In early October I began sliding into my latest depression. This depression was characterized by a lot of crying and sleeping, times I couldn't or didn't want to speak, and some cutting too. At least I think there was cutting. Memory doesn't work that well when you're recalling a breakdown.
The reason I wasn't able to blog last week is because I felt screwed up and realized that there was something wrong. Maybe it was the Cymbalta. Recently, Matt comforted me while I was hunched over and weeping and afraid to go out for an evening walk. I usually enjoy these walks in the dark, followed by a trip to SuperTarget to look at video games and toys. When it takes an eternity for me to calm down, dress, and walk out the door, it might be the grimace of depression and anxiety.
One night, in the sometime of last week, I experienced a full on monster crash after eating two pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream in the middle of the night. I've had sugar crashes, but this wasn't a normal crash. I ended up cutting myself just to calm my nerves. Later that morning I cut myself again, and I, deliberately, hit my head on a mirror and on the corner of my tub. It was a new punishment for me to hit my head and, in the end, a good way to damn myself to a possible concussion. Therefore, this was not good. I knew that my depression wasn't getting better, so I decided to get a new psychiatrist. I was so tired the day that Matt and I went to see the psychiatrist that I thought I heard radio stations being changed in my head. I swear I heard voices and orchestration, but I attribute that to exhaustion. I guess that ingesting huge amounts of Ben & Jerry's was stupid. Sorry, Ben. Sorry, Jerry.
Now I'm on 70 mg of Cymbalta and 1 mg of Abilify. The Abilify will bolster the effects of the Cymbalta, I hope. I like my new psychiatrist and I've let him know that I desperately need his help. Or I look at him with such hollow eyes that he knows I need his help. He's advised me to better manage my sleep schedule, and to, temporarily, keep away from refined sugar. I'm also reading the book Why Am I Still Depressed, which explores the mood spectrum as a new diagnostic tool. I'm sure that the mood spectrum has its critics, but it allows for more subtleties in analyzing mood and behavior. It feels more intuitive. When I go to a psychiatrist, I expect to be told that I'm unipolar, however I'm finding out that this strictly unipolar diagnosis isn't accurate for me. It's almost like saying that I stay in the rut of a static emotion throughout the day. I don't know if I have bipolar tendencies. If I do, those tendencies are pretty subtle. Maybe this last breakdown was situational. I'm guessing that a nice emotional brew was at work.
A traditional diagnosis of unipolar, or major, depression DID help me. Unipolar depression does not define who I am, but it is part of who I am. Depression weaves its way through my soul and I don't care who knows. Maybe the mood spectrum will explain other complexities in my emotional cosmos. Half of me wants to have a name, right now, for my emotional "condition" so that I can have control. I like control, so it's hard to flow, hard to find peace in this very weird, long journey.
Thank you to all my fellow bloggers who've been sending me their kindness while I try to get through this.
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8 comments:
OK. So, you've hit a depression, it's making you feel bad, and you've taken to self-harming, and then there's the added complication of the drugs, which may or may not be a factor?
Please don't think this question is insulting, or that the answer is self-evident, because it's not self-evident to me, but "why is this a problem?" I can guess at the answer, but that's not the point.
Matt
Dear Tracy:
I have to agree with Matt on this one. You need to take a good long look at these drugs, and due your own research before placing them in your body. I also am a little concerned about the self harm as a relief for your true feelings! DDT therapy might be a good option.
I could also give a pretty good guess at what's going on here; but I think it's more important that you take that journey of self discovery and truly feel out the answers for yourself.
Your Bloggery Buddy,
Stan
Matt,
Are you wondering why feeling out the current depression is a problem? Or are you asking what might be the problematic factors involved in the depression?
I think one of those might be your question.
Stan,
I don't know if I'm familiar with DDT therapy. What's involved.
Tracy
Stan, I did see info on the weba bout DBT therapy. Is that what you're thinking of?
Dear Tracy:
Though DDT the pesticide might do the trick and cure you completely, if you have a bad infestation of parasites and such. The proper term is DBT therapy.
Yours truly,
Stan
Tracy wrote:
"Are you wondering why feeling out the current depression is a problem? Or are you asking what might be the problematic factors involved in the depression?.."
I had to wrack my brain to remember what it was that I *did* mean! I think neither of the above, though (although they're interesting questions in themselves). No, what I think I meant was "given your current situation, for wont of a better word, how do you perceive that this impacts upon you, negatively, or otherwise?" I'm not sure that that adequately captures what I was driving at, but still.
When it comes to the human mind, I've come to the conclusion (did I ever mention that I have many theories?!), that the answer always lies in identifying what the issue truly is, and when one hits upon it, there is no doubting it.
Matt
Dear Tracy;
Here's the DBT LINK. I am in no way giving you any diagnosis or am I qualified too, but this can help alot with self injury and the drpression. I have known others that it really worked well with; though I have not done this form of treatment myself.
Your Bloggery Pal,
Stan
Tracy, Of course I am very worried about you now that I know you are also cutting. You know that I have survived severe depression similar in many ways to what you describe. I was misdiagosed as bi-polar instead of PTSD and depression and went downhill much more than where I was. I think meds can make a huge difference if they are properly prescribed. I believe that there is relief for you. Who are you seeing? I think the best in the business is Dr. Richard Suddath. With good treatment, I have to believe you could be feeling better, good enough to be able to work on the deeper psychological issues. I see no value whatsoever in suffering like this. Many hugs, Jenny
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