Depression, Etc. (#16)

NAME THAT FEELING

I was sitting in the gym today after finishing my brief workout. This is because I'm having to rebuild my stamina after months of being less active. I looked at the television and realized there was a American football game being televised. Now, it sounds strange but one of the things that gives me a literal sinking feeling in my gut is a televised American football game, especially if the game is on during Saturday or Sunday afternoon. If the game is on during the evening, the sinking feeling isn't as bad. I can't describe why a televised game during the afternoon makes me sad. I don't know if it's the colors, the sounds, or some weird memory. But I see the game on television and I get depressed. The song "On the Wings of Love" by Jeffrey Osborne makes me sad. I'm not talking about wanting to cry because it's lovely or because it's a sappy love song. The song just depresses me. "Allentown" by Billy Joel gives me an icky feeling too. It's a great song, but it makes me want to weep sometimes.

If something makes me sad it usually hits me in the heart, solar plexus, or the gut. I was watching a concert by David Gilmour, lead singer of Pink Floyd, astounding guitarist, and angelic vocalist. I had to tell Matt to turn off the concert because it struck me right in my gut. Something about his melodies combined with his voice. Granted, it was during one of the harder times of depression. I couldn't take it. During another difficult time, I tried to watch one of Miles Davis' longer pieces on DVD. At the same time that the music was playing, images of Mati Klarwein's art was flashing on the screen and it really began to hit me, I think, in the solar plexus. You might know Klarewin's art from Davis' album Bitches Brew. I had an unbelievable choking feeling wash over me. Because I've become so acquainted with physical feelings connected to emotions, I usually can tell you that song just hit me in my heart or I have a stuck feeling in my throat. While I can name the physical feeling that manifests from an emotion, I can't always get it to go away immediately. I often wonder if the physical feelings have some connections to the chakras. I'm still learning about chakras and it's an interesting possibility to explore.

Right now I'm going through a tough time, so I can feel emotions roiling around different areas of my body. My throat, my heart, solar plexus, and gut. I can't tell you everything I need to do to deal with these feelings, but I can tell you that these emotions are intense and cannot be eliminated simply by wishing them away.