Depression, Etc. (#3)

WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?

There I am. That picture was taken around the time I was in junior high. I was totally in love with Duran Duran (still am), had pimples all over my face, and I had braces. The braces were kind of cool, though. But, the hair. You've got to love 80's hair. In many ways I was normal. Still, I knew that while I might look pretty normal, I definitely wasn't happy. The only thing that I could pinpoint at the time was that something didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong, I liked junior high. I had some good teachers and classes, and I loved learning. At the same time I was discovering what made me ME. And what I discovered was that ME wasn't someone I wanted to be. There were the regular junior high/middle school problems of wanting to have clear skin and wishing that my hair looked good. And I did have some crushes, though not a lot. I wanted a boy to like me. I wanted a boy to ask me out, even if it meant his mom had to drive us to McDonald's. The problem was that I was so socially inept, while appearing with it, that I couldn't make the two parts of me, inner and outer, meet.

I was good at putting up a front. I think that's what I remember most about my emotional experience during junior high. And I think this is true of me even before junior high. During the day I would appear friendly and happy, but at night I was frightened by my mortality, feeling trapped, crying, scared about the next day. A dimness entered my life. I thought that other kids had a secret for enjoying life that I didn't have. There was one time, and I think this was before junior high, I recall waking in the middle of the night and I could hear my head saying "you're going to die . . . your life is finite." I suddenly and palpably felt my life clamping shut on me. The hours were flying by and I couldn't do anything to stop them.

While in junior high, I saw a school counselor. I don't remember why I ended up seeing him, but I do remember that he brought a glass of water into his office. It was half-filled with water. He asked me whether I thought the glass was half full or half empty. Dutifully, kind of knowing what he was aiming at but not wanting to appear messed up, I said, "half full." So much for that counselor. That was about the extent of the appointment. I knew, I just knew that I didn't feel right, that I couldn't depend on that counselor to understand what I meant. But I managed to go to school each day and not appear that I was being eaten alive by an emotional intruder. If only I could have stopped the intruder then, maybe it wouldn't have been so difficult in high school.

Next installment . . . you guessed it. High School.

RESOURCES OF NOTE

The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I was drawn to this book partly by the title and partly by the fact that Williams, Teasdale, and Segal are in the psychology or psychiatry fields, and Kabat-Zinn is a well known meditation teacher. I've tried some of Kabat-Zinn's other meditation exercises and found them very helpful . The Mindful Way looks at depression through the lens of alternative healing. I don't think it's sufficient as the only support for someone with clinical depression, but its focus on such things as breathing and meditation can be an excellent addition to medication and therapy. For someone with mild depression it might be enough. Still, everyone is different. There is a very good cd that accompanies the book as well as some tools to track experiences and plan an "exercise" schedule. I look forward to trying out the tools and, also, practicing my long-lost meditation technique. The book does have a Buddhist bent, so it may not be for everyone. If you are interested in this sort of resource but not sure about its spiritual direction, it may be helpful to speak to someone in your church or other organization to get alternatives.

Living with a Black Dog: His Name is Depression by Matthew Johnstone. I'm always interested in new books about depression. I like to see how close they are to the mark. Johnstone is a depression sufferer and has created a wonderful book with the character of depression in the form of a black dog. Cartoons by the author tell the story of a man afflicted and overtaken by a black dog. The book is short enough that it won't overwhelm and is perfect for someone just learning about depression, perhaps a sufferer or a family member, or for a well-worn depressed person who wants a bit of hope.